I SAW A UFO
There was an ALIEN SPACESHIP hovering above my house
Have you ever had an experience so out of the ordinary, so profound, that you end up viewing it as a bit of a turning point in your life? Kind of like we as a society do with Jesus – things either happened before Christ (B.C.) or after Christ (A.C.). Well, I myself had just such an experience today.
A bit of backstory first, if you don’t mind. About a decade ago, I set myself the long-term goal of eventually presiding over a Substack with six subscribers – widely considered the threshold above which you can call yourself a professional writer. I promised myself that once I reached that point, I would hire a personal secretary to whom I could dictate and save myself the hassle of typing. Last week, I am proud to say, I finally achieved that goal. I promptly put out a job notice and hired a man named Oliver, who claimed to have a typing speed of one hundred and ninety words per minute. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to verify this claim because Oliver has spent the entirety of his time as my secretary sitting on a wicker chair on my back lawn, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather we’ve been having. He hasn’t even set foot in my office since I interviewed him for the position.
Oliver has been an unmitigated disappointment, and he will soon be gone. But there’s no getting around the fact that if he hadn’t been such a good-for-nothing layabout, I would never have had the profound experience I alluded to in my first paragraph. You see, I was upstairs in my office this morning, sitting at my desk, typing out this very article, which was originally going to be about the situation in Iran. Oliver had apparently invited some friends around, and they were all sitting on my back lawn, smoking and drinking. I was just thinking about how sore my hands were from all the typing and considering the possibility of going outside and kicking Oliver hard in the shin, when I heard a kind of hooting and hollering coming from the backyard. My office has a window overlooking that very backyard, and within just a few seconds I had rolled over to it in my swivel chair and was peering out. I could see Oliver and his friends bounding around on the lawn, pointing up at the sky and saying things like ‘what is it?’ and ‘it’s getting brighter!’
Now, I don’t know if any of you have ever tried to write an article about the situation in Iran while your secretary and his friends are bounding around your backyard hooting and hollering about something in the sky, but I can tell you with complete confidence that it’s impossible. I stormed downstairs and into the backyard, intending to tell them in no uncertain terms that they were to shut their goddamn traps because I was trying to fucking type, but when I got down there, something made me stop and look up into the sky to see what all the fuss was about. And I saw this:
It was a bright, yellow-ish object floating in the sky, dimming and brightening over the course of about ten seconds. As I watched, it slowly headed east, then it headed south, then it headed back west again, then a bit east again, then slightly north, and then finally it headed south again and continued heading south until it was no longer visible. Here’s another photo so you can get a better idea of what it looked like:
This was a UFO. My first UFO sighting, after many, many years of looking. Of course, I’m sure there will be some naysayers who will read this and look at the photos and say ‘it’s just a plane’ or something like that. But what kind of plane is yellow-ish, and dims and brightens, and heads east, then south, then west, then east, then north, then south, then continues heading south until it’s no longer visible? That’s ridiculous. There is no such plane.
I hope that people read this with an open mind and accept the fact that this was almost certainly an alien spaceship hovering over my house. I will never be the same again, and neither will my Substack. Here’s another photo:
Congratulations on the six subscribers, and on the professional standing that comes with them. I look forward to your continued dispatches from the frontier of contact.